"The strongest-willed children often become the most determined adults. What looks like stubbornness today may become resilience tomorrow."
— Mrs. Phyllis Meer
Have you ever wondered why some children move through the day gracefully and others protest with tears and tantrums when it is time to change activities?
If you notice that your child refuses to cooperate when asked to move from one activity to another, check to see if he has abnormal hearing, speech and vision, is ill, teething, hungry or tired. If you have eliminated or taken care of these issues then your child probably has a very strong will and is very persistent.
As Yidden we learn that Hashem gives us our family members and situations to make us into better people. It helps to keep this perspective in mind when faced with daily or multiple challenging situations a day with our children. Parents should also check in with themselves to see if they
want total control of their child and/or approval from other people in their lives. Parents can learn to disengage from power struggles by not feeding the struggle. During a tantrum, Educator Dina Friedman encourages parents to breathe, pause and proceed speaking only when calm. Parents can let go of the desire to seek approval from others and focus on what will help their child move forward with their day.
To understand why some children struggle with transitions it is helpful for a parent to understand their child’s personality. A parent may be easily frustrated with a strong willed child, and see persistence as a negative trait. However , current research indicates that a child who is persistent and passionate about what they are doing are more likely to be successful later in life.
Psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth describes this persistent trait as “true grit.” She reports that “grit” is a more reliable indicator of success than IQ. Duckworth defines “grit” as “passion and perseverance for very long term goals; having stamina; sticking with your future day in and day out FOR YEARS; working really hard to make that future a reality; living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint” The best part is that grit isn’t even related to natural talent! “
So knowing all this, how do we get a persistent child to move through the day? Listed below are concepts and helpful hints to give you information and practical strategies to engage your child’s cooperation.
Positive spin- It is helpful to make a list of your child’s positive traits. You can include loving moments as an infant, the first smile, first word, people they love, physical characteristics, activities you enjoy together, foods they like to eat, and more.
Look at this list in the morning on awakening and at bedtime. The more positive attributes you focus on
The more you will see. Begin to comment on positive actions your child makes. E.g. “you brought me the diaper for baby. That was so helpful.”
Concept one- The brain needs feedback
A child’s brain needs feedback for it to grow in a healthy way. When a child hears a lot of repetition in song, nursery rhymes and interactive finger plays, pathways in the brain develop. Psychologist Dr. Becky Bailey writes that “connecting on the inside equals connection on the outside.” Through these finger plays inner and outer connections develop. Your child will develop flexibility and be more likely to cope with change. An added plus is that the repetitive songs provide much needed attention for your child, a stronger connection between child and parent as well as enhanced cooperation. The sensory, auditory, kinesthetic (movement), and visual stimulation a child receives in an interactive finger play alerts his brain to focus on what he is doing.
Many children enjoy waking up to an interactive finger play song. Here is an example of a ‘wake up’ song:
Take your child’s fingers while he is still in bed:
“Good Morning Good morning to you
Let’s see what your fingers can do.”
Take your child’s first three fingers , move them toward your child and you and say:
“Hello fingers one, two and three”
Point them to you and then to me.”
Move your child’s fingers toward you.
“Hello fingers four and five
Under the blankets we will dive (move your child’s hand under the blankets).”
Repetitive, interactive songs and finger plays help organize a child’s thinking process. It also gives a child a great feeling of being loved. It is an enjoyable way to start the day.
"When we stop trying to win the struggle and start strengthening the connection, we help our children move forward with confidence."
— Mrs. Phyllis Meer
Prepared by Phyllis Meer RN,BSN,CPNP
Resources:
Conscious Discipline workshop 2013-2014- presenter Mary Masson Troy MI
Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline
I love you Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey of interactive finger plays
Consciousdiscipline.com
Website and books Sophie Rants and Raves, Shubert Rants and Raves by Dr. Becky A. Bailey
Angela Lee Duckworth: The key to success? Grit Filmed Apr 2013 • Posted May 2013 • TED Talks Education
Late, lost, and Unprepared A Parents’ Guide to Helping children with Executive Functioning,Cooper-Kahn,Ph.D Dietzel, Laurie, Phd.D
https://www.dinafriedmanacademy.com/
